Iccky SPAM of the Day

Subject line:
Special fancies off aunt awakes by twins

just stupid.

All I wanted was an eggplant and some M&M's

Memphis police are searching for two men wanted for robbing the SunTrust Bank located inside the Kroger supermarket at 540 South Mendenhall late Wednesday morning.

Officials said the men entered the Kroger around 10:20am Thursday, went to the SunTrust teller station, and robbed the tellers of an undetermined amount of money.

OK, things have officially gotten too convenient. I was gonna put up with the KFC/Exxon combo. But damn, when you go in Kroger, you just hope to get out of line before your cookie dough melts. Not to get all caught up in a bank robbery.

Maybe banks should be like outlet stores... the old ones, that were an "outlet" and free-standing. Not the new ones which just have last years shit in a strip mall version of the same damn thing in a mall. Banks need to be in places where bullets will stick into a wall, not hit granny while she shops for pickles.

I say find these human shit stains and make them stand in line with four items, in the express line behind a fat chick with a full cart and a screaming baby with a very contagious baby virus... for twenty years. They could switch out the baby.

Union Avenue is NOT "base"

Stop crossing Union Ave. at rush hour on foot. It's never a good idea, but you people that walk across Union in heavy traffic are asking to get mashed. Most of you don't even get the concept of a cross walk anyway, so just stop doing it, period. People as dumb as you shouldn't be allowed away from your dusty, crumb covered cubicle anyway. Oh, and on that same note, the center, yellow line does NOT have a force field around it, you can be hit while standing there like a tangle-footed pigeon. Getting to Danver's before the chipped beef dries out is not worth your life or ruining someone else's day/life depending how bad your stupid ass gets hurt. And really, would you really wanna fuck up somebody's fresh Mr. Pride detail job with all that useless, splattered, alleged brain matter?
Save a life - Order a pizza for lunch.

Iccky SPAM of the Day

Subject Line:

Mother helps by pushing her fingeers
within dauus humid enters

Maybe dauu needs to install a window AC

The BIG snore.

Ever sleep with someone who snores so loud that you fear you may never actually get a decent nights sleep again. My partner snores like King Kong with a sinus infection. He knows this. I have recorded it, played it for him and he laughed - So, I have made him very aware of it, as well has anyone else who hears the unnaturally loud sound that best imitates a buzz saw on the blink. It's very irregular. I'll try to map out one regular session. "snort-snort..... heeeeaaaaaheerrrrrrrrrrrrSNORT! and on and on. You can imagine being sound asleep and someone busting a paper bag in your ear like it was your birthday at Los Compadres? That's it. It's makes my nerves so on edge I go get on the couch, take some kind of pill and watch Dirty Jobs- with purdy Mike Rowe on the discovery channel until I finally pass out and go get back in bed. By this time the snoring has usually calmed enough for me to continue my nap.
Can anyone say Sleep Aptnia?
I have found that if I leave the TV on in the bedroom that I can focus passed the snoring for the most part an fall to sleep. However, He will occasionally wake up a mumble something incoherent with his eyes shut - like; "TV...Done - sneeert... Heeeeeareeeeeeeeeeerrrra-SNORT. So, apparently it REALLY interrupts his sleep. So, looks like the couch for me. Even Ambien has given up. Boy, if Tennessee allowed gay marriage, I wonder if this would be grounds for divorce.

Leave 'em Laughing!

When I was a kid we had three channels. I looked forward every week to watching the Carol Burnett show. It may have been a little cheesy, but, so what... I'm cheesy ad I was 10. Harvey Korman along with the rest of the crew made a whole lotta folks laugh, and laugh a lot. We all need more laughing in our lives. And spending a lifetime providing giggles is pretty good credit to get into ye ol' pearly gates.

Thanks dude. You totally rocked.

Monkeys are awesome!

Iccky SPAM of the Day

Subject line:
Wrapping up my screw trough aunt's soggy crotcheel

gaccgggc!

Getting the Milk for Free

We here at Dam Fool don't just bitch about stuff. We actually have solutions.
Have you noticed how much milk is these days? As gas gets higher, so does groceries. But milk. Dang... A gallon of gas and a gallon of milk are going to cost about the same very soon, So, I say... fuck 'em both. I am gonna get a cow and ride it everywhere. That way, I get free milk and don't have to buy any gas. Think of it... It's brilliant! Other than dealing with cow shit everywhere - what's the problem? So we have to leave a little earlier to get places on time. Cows can be peppy if you have the right prod. Giddy up Elsey!
There's gold in them utters!

Dumbass purse-snatcher

A junkie shoplifter caused a crash in Northern Mississippi that put a man in the hospital.

Horn Lake police said it all started Wednesday inside this Schnucks Grocery store on Goodman Road when 40 year old Robert Case grabbed a woman's purse and ran out of the store.

Witnesses told police Case got into a car and sped out onto Goodman Road....that's when he ran a red light and as he crossed Goodman crashed into two other drivers at the corner of Goodman and Horn Lake.

"Currently he's charged with attempted strong armed robbery, petit larceny, reckless driving, resisting arrest, and failure to stop for a traffic control device,

One of the drivers Case hit is in critical condition at the Med in Memphis.

Police said after the crash Case tried to run but police were able to catch him.
He is not in the custody of Horn Lake Police at the moment because he says he was also injured in the crash and is still in the hospital.

Case is a known drug user with a long criminal record. They expect to file more charges against him once he is in their custody and after the results of toxicology reports come back.

What a douchebag. I say gas him.

El Mezcal = Strong Ritas

My head hurts.
I notice as I get older, I just can't drink like I used to. Actually, that's not true. I do drink like I used to, it's the recovering like I used to that gets away from me.

It's days like today when I feel as if I need to be hit in the head with a board to make me feel better. Being hung over is just stupid. It's a not-so-unconscious choice we make for ourselves; Tomorrow, I give myself permission to have a headache and see spiderwebs all day and maybe vomit once or twice. But tonight, I indulge. So yeah, you sort of have to be kind of a dim-wit to plan to be sick. But hey, I never claimed to be all that bright.

Oh, but it's always good to blow off some steam with friends. And we did do a lot of laughing and carrying on and applying of lotion to sunburned areas.
So, with any luck, after another Sugar free Red Bull or two, I'll start to heal up.

So, don't cry for me Margarita. I'll be fine. And we'll surely meet again soon.

Rachel Ray Flies Plane into building... Has coffee.

Rachel Ray is the hottest thing in terrorism. Not only can she cook meals in just 30 minutes (with commercials) she makes holy war sheik... I mean chic.

Yesterday Duncan Donuts pulled an ad featuring Rachel wearing a scarf that looks a little like a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress worn by Arab men.

Fox news columnist Michelle Malkin, a first class dipshit, explains the garment in this idiotic manner " [it] has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos. "The apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons."

It's a black and white paisley scarf you freaks! Since when do Jihadists wear floral?

The previously power drunk republicans waste no time in defaming anyone who might be a tad un-brainwashed to the cult-servative cause.

Dam Fool wonders if this little PR stunt may be a little republican payback to Oprah Winfey, (Who owns the Rachel Ray show) for supporting Obama for president.

Hummmmm. Bet Rach lays off the cous-cous and the beheading for a while.

AND - Father of the Year goes to......

OK GUYS,
Try this on for fucked-up parenting.

Yesterday a 12 year old girl testified in her father's, James Hawkins', trial that after he had killed her mother (by stabbing and strangulation) he then held a knife to the girl and forced her to help dismember her own mother's body. Starting with the head. Later, she was forced to ride with him to a desolate location and dump dismembered body of her mother - his girlfriend.
In court, Memphis Police Sergeant Tony Mullins testified that Hawkins bought a circular saw used to dismember the body at a local K-Mart. Hawkins later returned the saw to the store.

Wow... that was smart. It's bad enough to kill a person, especially in that grizzly a manner... but how completely fucked-up do you have to be to use a saw from K-mart? Spring for a Black and Decker, you cheap, stupid, fuck. Damn.

They may as well lock that child up in a padded cell right now. She's ruurnt.

No amount of therapy will fix her.

Someone should go to Dollar General and get a chainsaw and give Mr. Hawkins an enema of his own.

Iccky SPAM of the Day

Subject Line:
All of stepmom's crannies were verifieed

I'm glad. I just hate unverifieed crannies

An asshole for dinner

OK, so my other half has a friend from college who is a total tool.
He's visiting from Little Rock tonight. I make him stay at a hotel. Cause he's a shit stain of a human being.
He likes to come and visit and force us to hang out with him and his ugly skank of the week that he brings along to show-off to us. Of course his wife has no idea. (she really does, but pretends not to know) Which I think makes him even more of a fudge tool.
So, tonight, I'm gonna be "feeling bad".
I'm staying home while the tool get's some quality time with his buddy he's hero worshiped since the old school days... I think they may be going to Molly's LaCasita.
Is he trying to show people that he is still young and attractive by fucking nasty, old, Arkansas whores? "Cause he aint.
Should I feel bad about no longer pretending I can stand him? Should I go along with it for my partner's sake and sacrifice a perfectly good Saturday night listening to this dime store shrink talk about himself constantly and complain that his last "girl friend" stopped seeing him because she decided to get back with her husband or actually found a boyfriend that wasn't married? WTF? Selfish. Weirdo. Freak.
Ewww.
I don't think so.
Remote control and take out Pho--here I come.

California gets it right!

Good job California. People are finally being allowed to be together.
Adults should be able to marry/attach themselves to any other adult they love and who loves them back, no matter what the sex of that person.

I'll hold my breath for it to happen here in Tennessee.

Hicks rule here.
I never really understood why the ignorant seem to be so full of hate.
Or why so many tend to site Jesus as a reason for being so hateful.
Any ideas?

Worst Tennessee... The (we can't be bothered) Bank

I went into my branch of 1st Tennessee yesterday, with a check. A pretty decent size check. (several thousand dollars) It's not an account I use all the time, but I still use it, it's active and it's not an empty account. the teller looks at the check and back up at me as if to say "why are you forcing me to do my job?" Does a long exhale and says "we kain't deposit this check". I guess I was shocked, I said "why not?" "Cause you ain't got this much money in yo account" she said, her words, not mine. "So," I said, "what am I suppose to do with this check and by the way, how does one get that much money into an account if you won't deposit it?" Rolling her eyes she said. "I dunno, but we kaint deposit it here".
"May I speak to a manager please?" So, another woman came over, just as uninterested, who could have been a manager or not, because she certainly didn't bother to introduce herself or pretend offer any kind of customer service. Just the same deep exhale as if I had just asked her to climb a tree to get my kite down.
I asked again, why can't you deposit this check?" cause, you ain't got the money in your account to cover it, and we kaint be responsible for the funds." "Ok," I said, "just put a hold on it 'til the check clears.. I don't have any intentions of touching that money anyway"
"We kaint do that."

"Well," I said, "I guess I see why banking is in trouble. Thank you for all your concern."
I took the check to my other bank Bancorp South and not only did they deposit it, they said "thank you, have a nice day."

Needless to say, all my accounts at 1st Tennessee have been canceled. Not that anyone there cares, where their mantra "less work for me" is cross stitched on a nice plaque in the overused breakroom.

Fuck that bank.

Iccky SPAM of the Day

Subject line:
Appealing aunt make her soggy
apertures blasted by my gifted one

Dude, get off your aunt, the gifted one just did.

Iccky SPAM of the Day

Subject line:
Aunt spreaded her hips after glass
of cane corn fat love tunnel

I guess cane corn can be a bit fattening.

Iccky SPAM of the Day

Subject Line:
Fosater son has pumped aunt by her entreaty

Uh huh.
That's so fucked up it's almost not even iccky anymore.

Bad Joke

REDNECK VASECTOMY

A Kentucky couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision, why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican and they only spoke "American".

Taco's Again?

I swear, it's all I think about these days. Where to get my dinner on?
I am, once again craving the delicate flavors of Fajita's and Margaritas.
Think I'll head on over to that new El Mezcal on Union (next door to Danver's)
They have that rockin' Chicken soup too.

Muy bueno! (Yummy!)

The other moist meat.

Will it or won't it rain out Memphis in May's BBQ fest next weekend?
Only time will tell.

I bet it will rain, because the Bible says eating pork is an abomination unto the lord. And God likes raining things out that abominizes him.

We all have to watch evil, condescending Dave Brown and see.

Rush to Judgement

I swear - All I saw was the headline and the picture.

ObamaNation?

Well, it looks like it may be getting close to the end of the line for Hill. I'll still be a little shocked if she doesn't get the democratic nomination, just because the Clinton's do everything right in politics. Everything except lose. But, if I have to vote for Obama in the finals, I gladly will. He's not a stupid guy. And he is different. I'm not just talking about the fact that he is half black either. I think he could be represent a new vision for this country. And man, do we need one. No need to belabor the obvious faults, missteps and out right blatant disregard for law, humanity and karma of the Bush administration. But McCain, really? Any P.O.W. who votes for torture just to get ahead politically will say and do anything.
Isn't that what we have now?
I'll take a black man, white woman or just combine the two and make a Michael Jackson type critter - with RuPaul as the VP - It would still be better than the old, white-man, republican club has been able/willing to do. And at least it would be mildly entertaining - in a 90's rave kind of way.
Hell, Even a baby knows when it's time for a change.

Iccky SPAM of the Day

Subject line:

Aunt permitted to son pound her cleft cruelly


Cleft chin?  Or..  wait, I'm confused.

Save the Drama 4 your Mama

Memba the mention a few posts back about friends who love drama and games?
Well, here's the an example of kind of games of which I speak.
I had ONE free weekend this month. Maybe the last two months. (even tho I work on Saturday) I try to schedule things so that I can make the most out of my time.
So, I emailed this "friend" two weeks ago and asked if last Saturday night was cool to drive up to his place for a visit (he lives about an hour away) even tho, he hadn't responded to any of my emails in a while, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
He's been in some kind of snit, since I caught him in an attempt to guilt me into trying to believe that I excluded him from a function that we'd had... showing him actual proof that
(1) I knew he'd read the email because the email receipt said "read" and was time stamped
(2) catching him in that lie.
It just made matters worse. I suppose some people are supposed to be able to say whatever they please and never be called on it.
So anyway, after my offer to come catch up, I received no reply, no response no nothing. And, it had been a while before that since I had talked to him as well.
Get this... Monday, after the Saturday in question he shoots us a message "Have ya'll moved?" I miss ya" When can I see ya'll."
Yeah... it's all my fault.

Fuck a buncha that.
He got "no reply"

Willie has one asskickin' plan

Memphis Mayor Willie Herenton presented his plan for Memphis City Schools to the Memphis City Council in a speech Tuesday afternoon. Since the school board won't just hand over the job of Superintendent to him, at a significant pay increase from what he is now paid as Mayer, Willie advocates letting stray dogs and cats teach the schools. "It's an ideal situation, the dogs and cats are gonna die anyway, and our children need to learn certain instincts for survival on the streets. Cause they ain't learnin' shit in school. Those savvy animals can teach them those skills."

Naaa, he didn't say that. I'm kidding... I'm a kidder. Whoohoo, get me with the animal jokes.

What he said was to start tearing up some butt. Bring back corporal punishment and whoop some ass. As much as I hate him, I kinda agree. Some times there's just no substitute for a good, old fashioned, paddling.

At least that's what my high school substitute Mr. Spanker used to say.

To be young and in love

And going to prom with your real babydaddy.

Iccky SPAM of the Day

Todays Iccky SPAM subject line:
Dad and me have acquiesced to fill each of ma's teaars.

That is seriously fucked up. Is it a mother's day thing?

Thanks Tom!

Thomas Boggs passed away a couple of days ago. Some people loved him, for some love was a strong word, but you have to admit, the dude left a mark on culture here in Memphis and made one hell of a burger. And the onion rings. Don't even get me started!
I guess God was in the mood for a Burger.

Pretty Day (for a margarita)

Man,
After that crazy ass storm last night where tornados and rain and lightning were just completely non-stop - today is quite nice. And wouldn't you know it, here I sit at my computer, waiting for quitting time. I'm thinking a visit to the beautiful Asphalt Oasis (otherwise known as Los Com padres' patio) is where I'm headed. Their salsa sucks, but I can fuck up some of their margaritas.
See you there! Maybe two of you.

Iccky SPAM of the Day

OK, I am getting spam. I guess that's no big deal, but it is impossible to block, I've tried, but they just change senders and get right through. So, I thought I share the iccky email titles with you. I get at least one a day, so it can just be a new section. "Iccky SPAM of the Day." The subject line is all I will include. I am not sure if these people are giving Mandarin speaking English students two dirty words and letting them do the rest of the sentence, or if the words are designed to get through SPAM filters. I dunno.
Either way, they are uncomfortably funny.

Today's Iccky Spam Subject Line:

Native moom permittted to via myy
inexperienced rod in her wide ouutlets

Friends and Enemas

Sitting on the patio at Celtic Crossing recently, I made some decisions. The first was a Blue Velvet. Then, I decided to take myself out of some stressful situations. And now, I'm stressed about that. But, still - better for it. We've all lost friends. We don't want to admit that we can't or simply don't know how to maintain long term friendships. But, good things all come to an end -- vacation, Will and Grace, The Golden Girls, Micheal Stipes' talent. We change and grow into different people, or the situations which surrounded us being friends in the first place change. However when friends become harder to simply be at ease around, isn't it time to let go?
Isn't that the reason to have friends anyway? People you can talk to about whatever? Relax around. Be yourself. Be happy for them in good times and supportive in bad and hope they do the same for you? I am simply tired of playing games in the name of friendship. Games of which I do not know the rules. So, for me, it's easier to just fleet it out of my system and make room for more healthy content.
I guess all relationships eventually come to an end. But, we'll always have Lifetime Television.

Dave Brown is evil.

Look into his eyes. He is judging you. That's right. As he tells you the 5 day weather forecast Mr. Corvette is thinking to himself how much better he is than you. Oh, and have you ever noticed he LOVES to preempt a show to tell you it's raining? Don't fuck with my new episode of Medium, Dave! (Monday nights on NBC) especially the last 20 minutes of the second part of a two parter! It's sad, but I live for that shit!
We can look outside and tell it's raining, and if we can't, it probably doesn't affect us anyway.
Sorry Dave, You'll never be Al Roker.

Memphis in Mud

Once again it's time for the Memphis in May, Beale Street Music Fest and once again, it's about to rain it's ass off.
The line up this year includes Sheryl Crow, Aretha Franklin and that guy who always slides around in the mud 4 feet from where you're standing under an umbrella attempting to watch Adam Ant preform a special 20 minute version of "Goody Two Shoes."
Now that's a good time.